Filed under: novel schmovel (kids these days can't read anyway)
Prologue – I love vanilla. The smell. The taste. I even love the way it looks when you mix the teeny little vanilla bean seeds into things! So of course, I have some vanilla perfume. I love it. I used to wear it a lot. I am now afraid to wear it in public. Thanks to a guy who works at our local post office.
I dab just a tad of the perfume on (don’t want to be that girl who wears too much perfume) and head off to run errands, including mailing a package at the PO. After standing in line I walk up to the station of the postal worker who says “Next!”. At this point I’m thinking that at least I don’t have to deal with the other person who works there. (A woman with a serious attitude problem.) As soon as I get up to the counter and hand over the package to “the guy” he takes this deep breath and says “Mmmmm….something smells like ice cream!”. I politely explain that it’s my perfume. What would you expect someone to do then? Stop sniffing and moaning at me! At least that’s what I expected.
Well I was wrrroooooooong!!!
I had to stand there, while the line of people behind me grew, and I could feel everyone staring at the back of my head and probably thinking to themselves about how my jeans don’t fit me right or something (or maybe it was all in my head). The GUY keeps moaning….louder and louder about how good the perfume smells. At this point it’s making me incredibly uncomfortable and I kind of want to run out of there screaming saying “never mind about the package, I’ll just drive it to Washington!”
So. I had gotten a touch of road rage earlier and decided to take all the frustration and write some funny little poems about how the people were ticking me off and it seemed to work, so I thought I’d give it a try with this PO Guy! My friend…we’ll call her Looney Bin (since that’s where we’re probably going to both end up!) thought that my poems were HILARIOUS and told me that I should share them with you all.
This one has the least possibility of being offensive to people I don’t know, so I thought I’d start with that one.
It is entitled “The Sniffer”
What the hell are you doing?
Get away from me!
Stop sniffing me right now!
How dense can you be?
You’re totally in my space bubble.
I just want to run away!
I’ll leave my boxes here,
And come back another day.
Why the hell are you moaning?
I think I’m gonna HURL!
Do you really want these people to see
You get your ass kicked by a girl?
If you don’t go away right now,
You’re definitely going to regret.
One day you’ll read a poem
About yourself on the Internet!
Well there you have it. It’s the shortest of the three I have and probably the worst. But it definitley paints a picture! And I did feel much better when I could laugh about it instead of getting increasingly creeped out!
Filed under: Weekly-ish Things
This week, Kristine has decided that we should all join her in being pissed off! When I first heard of what this week’s SPF was supposed to be, I thought UH OH! I was sure I wouldn’t be able to find anything. Then, I started walking around with my camera….and lo and behold….I could have done 10 more of these!!! Maybe I should look into that Xanex!!! Here’s my SPF kiddies!
(just a side note, one more thing that pisses me off, while in the process of writing this, the window just CLOSED on me! For no good reason. Hopefully I haven’t left anything funny out!)
1.) Stuff that annoys the living shit out of you. (sorry mom! it’s a direct quote, I swear)
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The first picture is of the gigantic HOLE that one of the cats ripped in the NEW couch! This hole (with innards being pulled out) began appearing no more than ONE month after our custom couches were delivered.
The second picture is of my new flip flops. I love my flip flops. It took me 5 years to buy new ones. And then what happens THREE days after I finally decide on a pair? Mr Kitty strikes again! They feel like walking on crumpled paper. Not nice. Stupid cat. On the plus side, Hubby snuck off and bought me a new pair (IN PINK, no less!!!) and now I’ve forgiven the Flip-Flop murdering cat…until next time!
2.)YOUR space.
This is my space. Yes, there is some “space” underneath all that stuff! The chair is the same one I used to watch tv in when I was “knee-high to a grasshopper”. It used to be my parent’s chair, but I snatched it up before anything could happen to it and now it’s my favorite place! I don’t even mind leaning back on my saddle (had to take the stirrups off though)! The afghan was made by my Granny, and is sooo soft. I use it to hide all the scratch marks from the damn cats. Yes….they’ve gotten Everything!
3.)Something in your life that keeps the makers of Xanex in business.
My eye is twitching just thinking about cleaning this thing out! It doesn’t help that one of the cats eats “random stuff” that he finds around the house. That’s hell on a kitty tummy!!!
So there you have it! My SPF for 8/25! I played (obviously) did you?!
Seriously. No, Really. I loooove them. Not until recently, though.
When I stopped eating meat, I had to really walk through the grocery stores kind of just…well….looking. Not that I was eating meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, mind you. And I wasn’t just looking for “breakfasty stuff” either. I needed something that would make a good snack, a good light lunch, and maybe even part of dinner or a dessert. Now I wasn’t expecting for just one thing to fit all of these categories, but lo and behold, I did!
Pop Tarts aren’t like Pop Tarts 15 years ago! They don’t just come in strawberry, blueberry, and brown sugar & cinnamon anymore! Noooo….there are so many different types of Pop Tarts that they should have their own isle in the grocery store! They even have low fat (and maybe no fat, but I haven’t looked that closely, I was too busy looking at all the four hundred million flavors!).
That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy a good strawberry Pop Tart every now and again, but they have “French Toast”!!! Not to mention the new flavors that are perfect for dessert, such as chocolate with mint, and….get this….ice cream sundae!!!
And that’s not all, people! They now recommend FREEZING some of these new and yummy flavors! I thought, oh gross….frozen Pop Tarts?! No WAY! Blech! Buuuuuut….I tried it. I CAN NEVER GO BACK!!!
It’s like when you feed table scraps to your dog and then try to shove the ol’ dry stuff on him and he gives you that “No way, Lady! I’ll have the steak, please.” look!
I’m still having problems finding stuff for dinner, but I’m doing ok!
Think I’ll go have a frozen Pop Tart or 12!
Filed under: whineyness
Nooooo…..not me!!!
I do…umm…..stuff. I go….well….to the grocery store!
Okay…well, maybe, Maybe, I’m just a smidge antisocial. Maybe I’m just not the prosocial kinda gal, ya’ know? I was never the girl with a million friends. I had tons of “aquaintances” but not that many really close friends. Now I have even fewer. We’ve all grown up and moved away. I forgot that I wouldn’t just be able to drive to the barn and hang out with all my horsey buddies anymore!
So…I’m on a quest to become just a little less antisocial. Let’s see, things I should probably start doing…
Stop hiding from the pizza guy. ok, sometimes they do get a bit chatty while I’m standing there holding the pizza…scratch that…the really hot pizza…and they want to talk about what a big dog I have or about what a steep driveway we have or the weather, etc…Just leave me alone and take your huge tip for just driving down the street to bring me my pizza and let me go eat my dinner! People can be so annoying.
Stop saying how annoying people are. Not everyone is as annoying as I think they are. They can’t be. It’s humanly impossible for people to be as annoying as I think they are. It’s not like we have a whole bunch of PeeWee Herman’s walking around here. Well….we do have our fair share. Maybe this one should be “Stop saying how annoying most people are”. Baby steps, y’all.
Stop giving one word answers. Sometimes it’s neccessary. Sometimes you don’t just want to sit and chat with the grocery store clerk. Unless you’re my mom. That woman will talk to ANYBODY! Sales clerk at the mall, grocery store checkout person, someone behind her in line, whoever! (sorry Mom) But it’s true. My dad and I even joke about it 
I should start being more willing to talk to strangers. But isn’t that one of those early lessons you learn? From your parents?! DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS!!! When you hit 20, I think you’re supposed to flip tat rule. Hmm….does this mean I get to start taking candy from them too?
Stop not answering the phone. But seriously….WHO WANTS TO TALK TO TELEMARKETERS?! Sorry if you’re a telemarketer, but really….isn’t there ANYTHING else you can do than bother me while I’m trying to dry my hair or something? I’ll think it’s a member of my family and abruptly stop what I’m doing and rush to the phone only to have someone say “I’m so-and-so with whatever-company and we’re taking donations for the ugly-children-foundation”. No matter what you say to these people, they just don’t give up. Do they think that pestering me and pissing me off will make me give them money? Umm…..NO!!! They would have more of a chance if they said “I totally understand. Sorry I bothered you.” I might actually say “Hey, hang on a sec.” and then there you go! But no. Saying “I’m sorry, we’re not donating anything right now.” I get “I understand, how about just $20?” What?! You understand??? I don’t think you do. Well….maybe I won’t pick up the phone if I know it’s a telemarketer. And whatever happened to the “Do Not Call Registry”? We’re on it! They still call. Somehow I just can’t bring myself to hang up on them. It’s rude! Of course, it was rude of them to cold call me, but I just can’t shake the “phone lessons” from my mom!
Stop being afraid to go out by myself. I’m not just antisocial, I also have panic attacks. How fun for me. But at least when I start sweating and shaking, no one really wants to talk to me and I get to be by myself.
I think this is enough of a list right now. Start small. Baby steps.
Uh oh….I think the cats just fell down the stairs again. No, not a joke. They both fell down the stairs last week and Mr Kitty scraped off a huge chunk of hair on his leg. Ms Kitty seemed fine, except for being shaken up. Silly kitties….
Filed under: general wonderment
WooHoo!!! Alton’s in NC!
I have to admit, I was a bit peeved when they started out in SC and just went west. Lo and behold, they turn around and go a bit north and end up at a drive in in Charlotte.
Here are a few pics I snapped of Alton on my tv in NC! I believe he’s at the Carolina Smokehouse. Sounds good to me….let’s go eat!
Of course, all the images are the property of Food Network and are of Alton’s show “Feasting on Asphault”
Thanks Food Network! I would be stuck in a food rut without you!
