Barnmouse Blitherings


To the Butt Puppet in the Yukon XL
January 9, 2007, 3:51 am
Filed under: whineyness

Yeah. Hi. It’s me. The poor little girl in the Jeep Liberty.

First of all, THAT WAS A TURN LANE! Not a swerve-into-and-speed-up-to-eleventy-thousand-miles-an-hour-and-then-cut-me-off LANE! Yeah. I kind of noticed that. I also noticed how you didn’t take your foot off the brake except long enough to run up within an inch of that poor Rav4’s spare tire.

Listen Dude (I’m sure you like to be called “Dude”), you’re not driving a Miata. Your car is….well…it may as well be a van. And not one of those minivans, either. It’s something that more resembles the “short bus”, which is definitely fitting, if you get my drift.

There are other people on the road. Like ME! MEEE!!! Didn’t you get the memo? This is MYYY road! MINE! Now get off it DERF WAD!

I shouldn’t have slammed on the brakes to let you in. Actually, I shouldn’t have had to, since you were only 2 cars behind me before you decided to pull the “let’s get 3 cars ahead” stunt. Did you think that you were going to get to your destination faster than me and the 2 other cars behind me? Is that how you “win”? Yeah. OK. You’re the big man now Mr. My-car-is-20-feet-long. You beat me. I surrender! *waving little white flag out of driver side window*

I see this kind of stuff here all the time. I feel like I’m back in Manhattan. Those people drive crazy, man! Especially the cab drivers. We had a harrowing experience trying to get to the airport in one of those. I won’t get into it now, but it involved me sitting in the back seat, hiding my face in my husband’s shoulder, only to peek out and kind of quietly squeek “RED LIGHT RED LIGHT RED LIGHT!!!!!” Because there was a RED LIGHT and the dude was not slowing down. In fact, he did not slow down. Apparently, he had the timing of these lights down and knew it was going to turn green when we were about 10 feet from the intersection. This happened, oh, maybe 5 lights in a row? By the 3rd, I had just given up and was convinced that we were all going to die. But we didn’t.

One scary thing I did see here in NC was this other guy (also in a giant SUV*) playing Speed Racer around all the people on this one specific road that’s 45, but we all kind of go 55. We’re rebels like that. He got to the point where he was behind this poor little Asian lady (maybe 45?) and she was in the left lane, which we all know is the FAST LANE PEOPLE! Well, he did not take kindly to that. He could have gone around her. But noooo. He needed to teach her a lesson. So he rode her bumper for about 3 or 4 miles, and when she didn’t comply and bend to his every wish, he swerved around her, pulled up besider her, rolled his window down, and proceeded to SCREAM bloody hell at her! What an asshat! When I finally got up to passing her, she was hunched over the steering wheel, obviously intently concentrating on the road and where she was going and how she was driving.

I had never seen anything like that before. And I remembered reading about the guy who got into an accident with a lady, and he ended up throwing her poor, little, old dog out into traffic where it got run over! I couldn’t imagine what I would have done had that happened to me! Good luck getting your hands on my 115 pound, very mean dog and throwing him into traffic without at least losing an arm and a lot of blood.

Enough of this harping on the derf wad in the Yukon XL. It’s just working me up again. I thought writing was supposed to be cathartic. I think I just felt my blood pressure spike. And I’m rambling. And that’s just not good for anyone. Also, the sentence fragments. Bah.

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