Barnmouse Blitherings


Three Word Wednesday
May 31, 2007, 1:31 am
Filed under: Weekly-ish Things

I almost forgot! I’ve been completely forgetting all the little weekly things I started doing these past few months with all that’s been going on. So here it is 9:32 pm on Wednesday! I barely made it! But I still made it. Woo!

So here are the words brought to us by Bone over at the 3 Word Wednesday Headquarters:

stroke
summer
leave

Easy Peasy (is that how you spell that? I have no idea…I’m from NC!)

Here’s what I came up with:

If this summer is any hotter than the last one, I’m going to have heat stroke and then not leave the house again until Fall (which will probably be around December).

So! Did you play?



Is GI Jane Making A Comeback?

Y’all would not believe how many people find my site by Googling “women buzz cuts” or some variation there of. And all from this post. And seriosly. I did not shave all my hair off. To those of you thinking of doing that?

No.

Just no.

I know the thought of not having to brush your hair or worry about the cowlicks, curling/flat irons, etc, but think about it. Do you really want to walk around looking like Britney Spears? Desperate with a dash of crazy? No. You don’t.

And while we’re on the subject, more than a few people have stumbled over here Googling thing such as “my dog ate my diet pills” and “my dog at vitamins”. But my personal favorite has to be “my dog’s leg is turning purple”.

OH MY GOD, DUDE TAKE YOUR DOG TO THE VET!!!

What the hell?!

I know when my dog has big gashes or has swallowed some drugs, the first thing I do is pop open the laptop and hop on over to Google. Maybe have a glass of wine. Chat on the phone. Catch up on my letter writing.

Shwaa?

So this one of for all of you who come here under the pretense of getting some answers about something your dog ate or did. Or if they’re swelling, bleeding, limping, loosing their hair, looking at you funny, or farting. CALL YOUR VET. OR BETTER YET, TAKE YOUR DOG TO THE VET. NOW!

Jeezy Creezy!

Next time, we’ll cover “can I give my dog fridge and pantry foods”…is that where you keep the DOG FOOD? In that case, yes., “What if my dog ate a squirrel?”…oh do not even get me started on that one. my hand still cramps up when it’s cold. Just let him eat the damn squirrel. and “hamster, fuzzy toes”. Say what now?

Y’all keep ’em straight up thar! (and yes, long live Johnboy & Billy!!! Woo!)



I want my baby back, baby back, baby back…
May 24, 2007, 9:48 pm
Filed under: whineyness

*sigh*

I sold my Mitsubishi 3000gt. (vr-4…just to brag a little)

I am sad.

I miss it already.

It was such a thrill to drive. When I sold my horse, I bought that car. So I always thought of it as my “horse replacement”. I traded horse power for horse power. I mean, it wasn’t a “daily driver/grocery getter” type car, that’s what I have the Jeep for, but I’ll still miss the special outings every-so-often.

I’m trying to figure out what my next “thrill” thing will be. (did that sound as bad as I think it did? thrill thing! Woo!)

Something tells me Rat’s not going to let me buy a motorcycle. Hee!

Hmm. Something odd just crossed my mind (like what else is new, right?). I think I sold my car on the same day I bought the Jeep. How weird is that?

Anyway, I sold it to a guy who just got back from Iraq, so I feel pretty good about that. I’m glad he got the car he wanted so badly (and drove like 5 hours to get to). I makes me feel a little bit better. And I’m pretty sure he (and his brother) are going to take pretty good care of it. I doubt they’ll take as good of care of it as Rat and I have, but then again we’re a bit strange when it comes to our cars and stuff like that.

I also got more for it than I paid for it originally (but that didn’t cover what we put into it), but still, I guess that’s okay. We needed a new roof. Stupid wind storm. Stupid shingles. Stupid…um…like….air…and stuff. The horrible thing is, is that had we not had to pay for Rat’s mom’s funeral, we could have paid for the roof with no problem. And this just gets me pissed off more and more with her husband-of-2-years, or as he shall now be refered to on here, “Shithead”. (and yes, that capitalized…for good reason!) Why did her children have to pay for her funeral? Why didn’t Shithead pay for it? He’s claiming that he’s entitled to her entire estate! Yet he couldn’t lift a finger to help her children plan her very unexpected funeral. Bastard! And on top of that, during their TWO YEAR MARRIAGE he left her TWICE! Then had a major stroke and realized that he had no one to take care of him and drive him around, so back he came!

I should really shut up. I’m just getting myself worked up again.

Anyway, so. My car. My beautiful, beautiful car. My baby. The Preciousssss. I will miss you. You will always be MY car.

Such an awesome car.

My brother once said “That car looks mean!” , which…yeah! It does!

I hope the guy who bought it will keep in touch. And if he wrecks it, I hope he knows I’m coming after him…and I’m bringing the creepy bunny cupcakes with me!



New Exercise Program! Tighten Your Abs With Laughter!
May 23, 2007, 6:53 pm
Filed under: whineyness

I found this a little earlier on today and have watched it several times and I laugh Every. Single. Time. I just had to share…



I have an Excedrin headache…and it’s THIS BIG
May 22, 2007, 3:28 pm
Filed under: whineyness

We’re getting a new roof put on as I …uh…type. It sounds like they’re playing hopscotch up there. I tried working in my office, but it’s on the second floor and I couldn’t stand it for more than 5 minutes. I kept having this thought that the roofers were about to come crashing through the ceiling and land on me (cartoon bug eyes and all) and squash me on the floor.

The cats are freaking out. Not quite as bad as when we got the chimney straightened (hee hee….chimbley…HI DAD!), but they won’t go more than a few feet away from me and their eyes are about the size of saucers. Surprisingly, Shadow is fine with all that’s going on. Normally he barks and runs around and has a fit, but he was just kind of…I don’t know….interested…this time. At the moment he’s gnawing on his Ultimate Chew (the only kind of treat that lasts more than a nanosecond with him). On the other hand, the neighbor’s dog is going bananas. But I think he’s a little nuts anyway.

…suspicious quiet….

Breaking for lunch, maybe? After 4 hours of constant banging and stomping overhead, the silence has a strange feeling to it.

I wish I could just get out of here and go to the gym, but the dude (yes, I just said “dude”) who delivered the palets of shingles and other assorted roofy-type things decided that the best place to park them was behind my garage door. So now I can’t get out. And the palets cannot be moved by meer barnmouse force. That option has been exhausted (as well as my arms).

Oh goody. More banging. *sigh*

And also, while I am whining…



And not only that, but this as well…

To say that I’m a bit peeved is an understatement.

I hope y’all’s day is going better than mine so far! Happy Tuesday.

And just to make myself feel a little bit better….



Leftover Easter Candy? Well…Kind Of.
May 18, 2007, 2:42 am
Filed under: general wonderment

I know several weeks ago (yikes!) I mentioned creepy bunny cupcakes. (oh dear, when looking that up, I noticed that I wrote “I’ll tell you about the creepy bunny cupcakes tomorrow”. whoops! What I really meant was “a month from now”.) So while I’m feeling guilty about posting so rarely lately, I will go ahead and tell y’all about the creepy bunny cupcakes. (I giggle every time I write that)

Around Easter this year, I was walking around our local Kroger sniffing the yummy looking (and smelling) fresh made cinnamon buns, when I spied something with my little eyes that began with the letter “C” (and also “B”…and then another “C”).

What was that? Yes! You’re right! Creepy Bunny Cupcakes!

These things made me stop in the middle of the store and just really laugh my ass off. I cannot imagine anyone thinking these things up and saying to themselves “These will be a huge hit this Easter! We must make THOUSANDS!!! They will sell out in 2 days!”. Of course, when I found them, they were on clearance. So apparently they didn’t go over as well as planned.

That did not deture me! Hey! 12 cupcakes for 2 bucks? Hell yeah we have a deal! LOL!

Rat and I ended up only eating 3 of them (total, not “a piece”).

Now comes the time where I show you why.

“Hi! I love you! Can I drink your blood? Satan is my friend!”


Hee hee. Sorry. That’s what runs through my head when I see this picture. Oh…you’re still laughing? Okay. I’ll wait.

*twiddling thumbs*

You okay? Alright. Now that you’ve cleaned whatever drink you were drinking off of whatever you just spit it on, let me ask you this: What could be creepier than that bunny cupcake?


NINE OF THEM!!!!

It’s a little army! A little creepy bunny cupcake army! All dressed up and ready to kill you in your sleep.

And can it possibly get any worse? Why yes! It can! Guess what kind of cake they’re made of. Red velvet cake.

Is it any wonder now how 9 cupcakes survived in our house for about 2 weeks before I finally threw them away because I just couldn’t look at their creepy little faces anymore? Actually…I didn’t throw away the creepy little faces….I took them off and washed them out and I’ve been delighting myself in putting them on different things (like the cats, although I can’t get them to sit still long enough for me to snap a few pictures).

So now you know my dirty little (creepy) secret. And I hope you thought it (at least parts of it) was funny. I know I did!



More Letters To Gym People! Finally!
May 17, 2007, 1:50 am
Filed under: general wonderment, Public Humiliation, whineyness

Yeah. I know. I’ve been horrible about posting lately. What can I say other than oops…sorry…my bad? So I’ll try to make it up to y’all with some more letters to gym people. Yay! Aren’t you excited?! I know I am! I mean really, me criticing people at the gym? Who wouldn’t wanna read that?!

To Weird-Guy-In-Workshirt:

Umm. A workshirt? Really? How comfortable can that be? (Seriously y’all…a button-down workshirt with a name patch) I guess there’s nothing really wrong with it, but dang if it didn’t look weird. And please do something about the obviously itchy underwear you were wearing. I know that there are other possibilities for why you couldn’t leave yourself alone, but I don’t want to think about them.

So. In the future. Try a t-shirt at the gym. You’ll find that you’re much more comfortable and get lots less strange looks from other people. And speaking of strange looks, the itchy undies situation. Please remedy that. Or at least pick an elliptical more than one away from me when the entire line of them are empty. I was on the one at the end for a reason.

Thank you for your time,
The-girl-who-is-going-to-start-putting-“This Machine Is Broken”-signs-on-the-machines-around-her

To the Very Affectionate Couple:

Omigod y’all….get a room. No one wants to see that. I seriously thought I was gonna barf. That’s the sucky thing about being on a workout machine and seeing something that makes you wanna hurl. You can run faster and faster, but you don’t actually get away from anything. Like the guy in the bright red sweatpants and the bright yellow sweatshirt (yes, I’m talking to you…You looked like a hotdog) walking over to his girlfriend/wife/hooker/whatever (yes, now I’m talking to you, a bra is not a shirt) every 5 damn minutes to suck face and pat her on the butt while the girl on the elliptical (hey, now we’re talking about me! in a respectable amount of clothes that don’t remind me of any kind of food) is trying not to be sick.

See what you made me do? I’ve never seen so many parenthases in my life!

To recap: don’t make out at the gym, especially when dressed as a hotdog and a stripper.

Barfing-ly yours,
the-girl-who-will-now-never-be-comfortable-wearing-anything-less-than-baggy-shirts-
to-the-gym-thanks-to-you

….and finally….

To The Hot Guy Who Doesn’t Go To The Gym Enough:

Dear Hot Guy,

Please come back. I’m sorry about the drool. I promise to bring a towel next time. And maybe I’ll even try not to stare as much (who am I kidding, I’ll just wear my sunglasses). And even though you walk like you’re pretty full of yourself, I won’t judge. I mean, hell, if I looked like that I’d probably be pretty full of myself too. And hey, I could be wrong! You’ve just got a little bit of that Christian Bale in American Psycho thing going on. All that aside…you’re pretty… ~drool~

Oops…there I go again.

School-girl-crushingly Yours,
barnmouse

**barnmouse disclaimer**

“NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT”

thankyouveddymuch